Valentine’s Day at the movies.

It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m willing to bet a ton of cheap chocolate that a lot of people will be watching romantic films this evening. Rom-coms, tearjerkers, An Affair to Remember. The Notebook. Anything with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in it. All of that will be hot property on Netflix streaming video tonight.

But not in this house. We’ll probably be watching a film that features spaceships, dinosaurs, or a cunning combination of both. Still, in honor of Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d post a list of lessons I’ve learned about relationships from some of my favorite movies. After all, love is everywhere.


The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: Odds are, the last surviving member of your species will probably not be attracted to you.


She's just not that into you, Arthur Dent.

Superman: Like your mother said, always wear clean undies. You might get into a car accident, or you might meet a nice boy with x-ray vision.

Mars Attacks: Love happens when you’re not looking for it, like when you’ve both been abducted and decapitated by Martians.

This has to be true love.

The Blues Brothers: Don’t fall for a musician just because he makes beautiful music. He’s probably a wretched human being. Before you know it, you’ll be all alone in your hair salon or diner, with no short order cook, no man, and a manual about rocket launchers. You’ve been warned.

Even after Aretha's epic performance, the bastard still left her for Jake and Elwood.

The Lord of The Rings trilogy: You cannot compete with an elf. Don’t try.

Speed: Relationships based on intense experiences never work. So you should be fine if you decide to date Keanu Reeves.


Office Space: Go poking around in your partner’s sexual history, and you’ll have earned your nightmares. It will serve you right if you can never look your boss in the face again.

Both Iron Man films: Don’t date your boss. Or your secretary. Or the journalist who’s been assigned to your beat. Or the secret double agent who has been posing as your employee. Just don’t.


Hudson Hawk: Nuns need love too.

O Brother, Where Art Thou? Is your significant other more trouble than your seven small children? Did he get himself imprisoned? Does he start fights in the Woolworth’s? Is he incapable of doing anything legal, even by accident? Just count to three.

Give your spouse this look and he'll settle right down. Or wither.

The Empire Strikes Back: Before you lay a wet one on your male friend, you may first want to verify his paternity.

This is a bad idea, especially if you know you're adopted.

Alien: If you don’t use protection, you may end up carrying the offspring of someone you hate.

Had this guy been wearing a spacesuit, or a helmet or even a mask, this unfortunate situation could have been prevented.

A Bronx Tale: If someone lets you into the passenger side of a car, reach across the car and make some effort to get the driver’s side open for him or her. I don’t care if automatic locks have rendered the point moot. Your date has probably seen A Bronx Tale. If you don’t pop that door for your date, he or she will have passed Chazz Palminiteri-esque judgment on you before even getting into the car.


"Listen to me, kid. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast."

Did I miss any films? Feel free to post your own in the comments!

Happy Valentine’s Day!


15 thoughts on “Valentine’s Day at the movies.

  1. A++++++

    Although, in regards to the Empire Strikes Back, you forgot to include, “If you declare your love for someone seconds before he’s tossed into an experiment that could very well kill him, you shouldn’t be surprised to get a douchey response.”

    Happy V Day to you and the Cowboy!

    • Awesome! I didn’t think of that. I always thought of it more like, “if you like scoundrels, don’t be shocked when he does douchey things.” Actually, I always wondered what their relationship was like, post-trilogy.

  2. Yeah, that’s a better wording, probably.’

    Oh! There are like, a hundred sequel novels that give you the play by play. They marry and have three kids! I haven’t read any of them since I was a kid though, so I think by now the kids are grown and… some other effed up stuff has happened…

    • I’m sure they marry and have kids. But then I totally see some infidelities and marriage counseling in their future. Possibly divorce. I’m sure the books don’t detail this, but the way I see it, she’s probably a high-powered leader and SuperMom while he’s probably having an affair with the nanny.
      In fact, after everything I imagine he puts Leia through, Han had better pray that Luke is too zen to come after him with the lightsaber.

  3. a la Iron Man, I’ve actually made the mistake of dating your subordinate (Creative Writing Club was never the same!) and dating the journalist assigned to your beat (he turned out to be not only a d-bag, but a crappy journalist and got reassigned- yay!).

    • So I’m thinking, Hezrions=Reuben. Am I correct?

      Who was this journalist? Where was this? What beat was he covering? He must have been a crap journalist to be dating his sources! Oh, and by the way? Love the hair.

  4. Rocky 1
    Falling in love with a down-on-his-luck boxer instantly:
    teaches you how to apply make-up
    makes a new wardrobe appear in your closet
    corrects your vision

  5. Pingback: Haiku and a bag of Fritos | The Garret

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